How do I ever make decisions?
I have a mind of my own - I like to think - but I've learned to pay close attention when people give me counsel. Lately, though, I'm running into some form of cognitive dissonance, when I have too many people telling me too different things. I have a bad habit of completely shutting down in that situation, digging my heels in and waiting for some blinding light to show me the way. So the last few months have been a little bit difficult, and a lot stagnant.
A friend made the point last night that I'm still really young, and this is the time in my life when I have an opportunity to do what I want to do. This really struck home with me. Maybe it's not quite as crazy as flying to Italy tomorrow (ideal), but as simple as spending my afternoons laying on the river reading, or training myself to write an hour a day again. Her implication - or the one I read into it - was that I jumped into adult life a little faster than was absolutely necessary, or maybe just faster than is good for my psyche at this time.
I've got things pretty together right now, though. I've got a wonderful boyfriend that I fully intend to spend the rest of my life with. We have two dogs together (you have to see the way he interacts with Chloe - she's as much his as mine now), a house that we're trying to move out of, and a lovely garden. I'm not saying I would lose those things if I tried this other method, but I would certainly feel less like I deserved it, had worked for it. I'd lose my claim to being a contributing member of society.
What happens if I decide I don't want this responsibility, and walk away? Not the responsibility of "family life," because I like that part, but that false responsibility of having a salary, working set hours, and hating every second of it. What if I decide I don't care about a "career," and decide to be a Five Points rat until Brian and I can go away and find something better to do? Does that mean I'm throwing away my potential or just finding out that my potential doesn't lie in office management?
It's about themes, I suppose - what's the theme by which I want to live the next few years of my life? Do I want to be selfish and "find myself" and try to find happiness externally? Do I want to "start a career" and show my worth here rather than places where I feel I'm actually talented at all?
Here's the bottom line: I want to quit. Is that the worst idea I've ever had? Does what I want actually matter if I'm doing something right?
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