At Long Last

I've been really slack again - sorry. I'm not sure why exactly the blog hasn't been striking my fancy quite as often, although I did have Rachel up for a few days, so that may have been it. I keep thinking of things I want to write about, but when I get home, most of the time I just lose the motivation to write them. Maybe I'm using my words elsewhere.

My birthday was a strange mixture of good and bad - I'll start with that. Birthdays hold large, special meaning for me, I guess because I'm still young and those birthdays still actually seem exciting. I remember being absolutely miserable on my 16th birthday because I wasn't at home, my dad wasn't around, and people were banging gongs while singing "Happy Birthday" to me. I've spent birthdays with friends before, and that's been fine, but there's some kind of distinction there.

Rachel and I had gone on a midnight bar run the night before, in order to ring my birthday in right - the bartender was sweet and told me that my first birthday drink was on her (it was a Peach Jolly, because I let her choose for me, and yes I realize how froofy that is), and has so far been the only person to card me. And then only because she said she'd be mad if she didn't get carded on her birthday. The next morning, we went to brunch, where the sweet and wonderful girls at Perch Cafe remembered that it was my birthday, so brought me out six tiny cookies in a circle with a candle in the middle. They went far above and beyond - I was touched. Then I had to go to work while Rachel got a car to the airport. It was great to have her up, even though she couldn't stay for the "festivities."

So I worked that night - we won't go into details about how many birthday shots of Jack I had to refuse, because Drew felt we should go light on the work and heavy on the festivities - but I got off early. So I found some dinner and just bummed around for a little while until I got the text from work-Sarah, the only person who could actually make it that night. I got a call that almost broke me - I was sitting alone outside the wine bar where I met Sarah, 9:30 on a birthday that had been anything but fireworks, so fully aware that everything I love is 700 miles away from me. When I heard his voice, I got lost in the homesickness and sadness and aloneness, even though it was still the most comforting thing on earth. It's a hard series of emotions to explain, but when I got off the phone and stood up to greet Sarah, I had to fight back tears and steady my voice. She could tell.

She was really what made my birthday okay. We talked and laughed for what must have been about two hours, and it was the sheer force of her company that woke me up out of the depression I was pretty deeply sunk into. I can't actually express how grateful I was for that. Here's the thing: I probably sound crazy when I talk about how depressed I am, because I'm living the dream of a summer in New York. I'm young, I've got a job (now), what more could I want? But the problem is that this was never my dream to start with. I think that's the huge difference - I never imagined moving to New York as the ultimate summer experience. Not without any tie to home, or any entrance to my field, that is. Living someone else's dream has not been kind to me.

I've been working a fair amount, but I had yesterday and the day before off. I didn't do anything particularly exciting on Tuesday, but yesterday I went to the MoMA. Which was absolutely amazing. I intend to go back several more times, so I'll devote entire posts to its magnificence at a later time. But one thing I thought was interesting right off the bat - the Met demands your attention, requires you to be in awe of all the historicity and the important things. The MoMA is very different. It's playful, it lets you breathe, it doesn't demand your attention or direct it to something "important." Then, to some extent, the nature of modern art requires that - some pieces are even meant to be unnoticed, just to exist in their space. Amazing place, though. Just incredible.

Alex's sister and I finally managed to get together, also at long last. Romina is a super cool girl, and I'm sad it took me so long to getting around to meeting her. She got a fairly good sense of my life, and finally said, "it's because of him talking to you every night. That's why you've made it. Anyone in your position without that comfort would have gone home by now." She's absolutely right, too. So she'll soon be taking me under her wing, taking me out to do things, and hanging out with me. That's a certain kind of kindness that I'm most grateful for.